Month: February 2018

Just For Fun–A Valentine’s Day Quiz (yes, you can use Google to search)

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How many Valentine’s cards are exchanged in the US each year?

  • 10 million
  • 100 million
  • 1 billion

Who purchases more valentines—men or women?

  • Men
  • Women

Who gets more Valentines in order of popularity?

  • Wives
  • Children
  • Mothers
  • Teachers

What percentage of people purchase Valentine’s gifts to their pets?

  • 20%
  • 3%
  • 50%

The “x” symbol is synonymous with a kiss.  The kiss originated with those who could not sign their names and then kissed it to show ?

  • their sincerity
  • their grief for not being able to write
  • their love for their mothers

The first candy box given for Valentine’s Day was invented by?

  • Fannie May
  • Samuel Hershey
  • Richard Cadbury

There is an old superstition that if see a goldfish on Valentine’s Day you will marry a?

  • Oceanographer
  • A fisherman
  • A millionaire

 

The Month of Love… but Do You Know the Keys to a Lasting Relationship?

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It’s the month of love. Cupids and arrows fill the air, but we know that over 50% of all marriages fail, so tonight we’ll focus on ways to enhance relationships to increase the statistical likelihood of making your relationship fulfilling and enduring.

· 50 % of first marriages end in divorce

· 2/3 of all second marriages end in divorce

· 75% of all third marriages end in divorce

 

Why do so many marriages fail?

· Statistics shows that we enter relationships with poor skills for maintaining relationships

· People need to learn “how” to love each other

· Lasting marriages involve commitment, communication, and accommodation

 

What do studies show are the proven building blocks in a couple’s intimacy?

· Studies at Stanford University show that the simple act of spending quality time together and talking enhances intimacy

· Humor: research shows that partners who make each other laugh are happier, in fact, it also shows that women typically search out men who make them laugh

· Doing something new. A Florida State University study shows that people who do new things, and plan adventures together tend to heighten a couple’s intimacy and vulnerability with each other

· Multiple research studies show that practicing gratitude and kindness in relationships enhances intimacy and bonding. Kindness, accommodation and forgiveness are three keys to strong relationships for couples.

· Commitment. Purdue University studies show that those who believe that their partner’s commitment is unbreakable have stronger relationships and increased intimacy.

· Taking control. Partners who really work on enhancing their relationships on a continuous basis, and who indicate that working things vs evading problems have more enduring relationships and those in which they feel will end in continued success.

Don’t Give Up — Find What Works

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“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Most of us remember learning this at some point in our childhood.  Whether taught in early grade school years or by our parents and caregivers, being nice is often one of the first values we learn.  What’s wrong with being nice?  Let’s first make a distinction between two terms – “nice” and “kind.”

Being “nice” comes from a desire to appear pleasing to others and is largely motivated by fear of being rejected, fear of conflict, or a belief that we are responsible for others’ feelings.  Being “kind” comes from strongly held values of love and compassion.  When we are kind to others, we recognize their rights, struggles, and their unique path in life.  So, in short, being nice comes from a place of insecurity.  Being kind comes from a place of securely held values.  The remedy for being too nice is NOT to become mean, aggressive, or hostile, but to learn your value, set healthy boundaries, and to be yourself.

How do I know if I’m Too Nice?

  • Do you feel anxious or worried that you may cause someone to be upset either in a social or family situation?
  • Do you feel like you must spend a lot of energy to appear “a certain way” or overly pleasant in social situations?
  • When someone gets upset, do you blame yourself or wonder what you did wrong?
  • Are you constantly expending energy on doing things for others to the point that your health suffers?
  • Do you apologize frequently?
  • Do you feel secretly resentful of others when you do too much for them?
  • Do you often experience guilt if others are unhappy?
  • Do you go along with what others want to do even if you’d rather do somethingdifferent?

If you said yes to some of the above questions, you may benefit from learning more about how this impacts your sense of well-being and happiness.

What happens when we are too nice?

  • We start to feel like a “doormat” – existing for the benefit of others.
  • We attract people who are willing to take advantage of us
  • We keep needing more and more outside approval and reassurance.
  • We give away our power.
  • We stifle our authentic self and hide our true feelings.
  • We fail to be honest with others.
  • We don’t feel truly happy.

Why are we too nice?

  • We lack a sense of self-worth, so we desperately seek it from others.
  • We also shield ourselves from criticism or rejection, as these are very painful when we do not feel that we are worthy.
  • It’s an ingrained part of our personality and identity.

Is this fixable?  YES!  It absolutely takes hard work but living authentically is incredibly rewarding.

How do we fix it?

  • Working hard in therapy to strengthen self-worth.
  • Healthy introspection and self-reflection.
  • Seeking to understand and resolve family of origin/growing up issues that contributed to you feeling overly responsible or not good enough.
  • Setting and enforcing healthy limits.
  • Learning and practicing the art of saying NO.
  • Learning to not take people’s feedback too personally.
  • Learning that not everyone will like you. And that is ok.

All these things take practice, persistence, and courage.  You will learn that people can tolerate the discomfort or disappointment of your new boundaries.  When your self-worth becomes strong and healthy, some people in your life may miss the old agreeable and “too nice” version of you and they may push back, but if a person absolutely will not respect what you need to be happy and healthy, you may need to set very firm limits or decide not to have that person in your life anymore.

You can become free and powerful beyond your imagination when you learn to be your authentic self.