“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  Most of us remember learning this at some point in our childhood.  Whether taught in early grade school years or by our parents and caregivers, being nice is often one of the first values we learn.  What’s wrong with being nice?  Let’s first make a distinction between two terms – “nice” and “kind.”

Being “nice” comes from a desire to appear pleasing to others and is largely motivated by fear of being rejected, fear of conflict, or a belief that we are responsible for others’ feelings.  Being “kind” comes from strongly held values of love and compassion.  When we are kind to others, we recognize their rights, struggles, and their unique path in life.  So, in short, being nice comes from a place of insecurity.  Being kind comes from a place of securely held values.  The remedy for being too nice is NOT to become mean, aggressive, or hostile, but to learn your value, set healthy boundaries, and to be yourself.

How do I know if I’m Too Nice?

• Do you feel anxious or worried that you may cause someone to be upset either in a social or family situation?
• Do you feel like you must spend a lot of energy to appear “a certain way” or overly pleasant in social situations?
• When someone gets upset, do you blame yourself or wonder what you did wrong?
• Are you constantly expending energy on doing things for others to the point that your health suffers?
• Do you apologize frequently?
• Do you feel secretly resentful of others when you do too much for them?
• Do you often experience guilt if others are unhappy?
• Do you go along with what others want to do even if you’d rather do somethingdifferent?

If you said yes to some of the above questions, you may benefit from learning more about how this impacts your sense of well-being and happiness.

What happens when we are too nice?

• We start to feel like a “doormat” – existing for the benefit of others.
• We attract people who are willing to take advantage of us
• We keep needing more and more outside approval and reassurance.
• We give away our power.
• We stifle our authentic self and hide our true feelings.
• We fail to be honest with others.
• We don’t feel truly happy.

Why are we too nice?

• We lack a sense of self-worth, so we desperately seek it from others.
• We also shield ourselves from criticism or rejection, as these are very painful when we do not feel that we are worthy.
• It’s an ingrained part of our personality and identity.

Is this fixable?  YES!  It absolutely takes hard work but living authentically is incredibly rewarding.

How do we fix it?

• Working hard in therapy to strengthen self-worth.
• Healthy introspection and self-reflection.
• Seeking to understand and resolve family of origin/growing up issues that contributed to you feeling overly responsible or not good enough.
• Setting and enforcing healthy limits.
• Learning and practicing the art of saying NO.
• Learning to not take people’s feedback too personally.
• Learning that not everyone will like you. And that is ok.

All these things take practice, persistence, and courage.  You will learn that people can tolerate the discomfort or disappointment of your new boundaries.  When your self-worth becomes strong and healthy, some people in your life may miss the old agreeable and “too nice” version of you and they may push back, but if a person absolutely will not respect what you need to be happy and healthy, you may need to set very firm limits or decide not to have that person in your life anymore.

You can become free and powerful beyond your imagination when you learn to be your authentic self.