{"id":80,"date":"2018-02-01T08:52:46","date_gmt":"2018-02-01T13:52:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/?p=80"},"modified":"2018-02-01T08:52:46","modified_gmt":"2018-02-01T13:52:46","slug":"dont-give-find-works","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/dont-give-find-works\/","title":{"rendered":"Don&#8217;t Give Up &#8212; Find What Works"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-82 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/strategy-300x202.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"202\" srcset=\"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/strategy-300x202.jpg 300w, https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/strategy-768x518.jpg 768w, https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/strategy-1024x691.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/strategy-2000x1349.jpg 2000w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf you don\u2019t have anything nice to say, don\u2019t say anything at all.\u201d\u00a0 Most of us remember learning this at some point in our childhood.\u00a0 Whether taught in early grade school years or by our parents and caregivers, being nice is often one of the first values we learn.\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong with being nice?\u00a0 Let\u2019s first make a distinction between two terms \u2013 \u201cnice\u201d and \u201ckind.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Being \u201cnice\u201d comes from a desire to appear pleasing to others and is largely motivated by fear of being rejected, fear of conflict, or a belief that we are responsible for others\u2019 feelings.\u00a0 Being \u201ckind\u201d comes from strongly held values of love and compassion.\u00a0 When we are kind to others, we recognize their rights, struggles, and their unique path in life.\u00a0 So, in short, being nice comes from a place of insecurity.\u00a0 Being kind comes from a place of securely held values.\u00a0 The remedy for being too nice is NOT to become mean, aggressive, or hostile, but to learn your value, set healthy boundaries, and to be yourself.<\/p>\n<p>How do I know if I\u2019m Too Nice?<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Do you feel anxious or worried that you may cause someone to be upset either in a social or family situation?<\/li>\n<li>Do you feel like you must spend a lot of energy to appear \u201ca certain way\u201d or overly pleasant in social situations?<\/li>\n<li>When someone gets upset, do you blame yourself or wonder what you did wrong?<\/li>\n<li>Are you constantly expending energy on doing things for others to the point that your health suffers?<\/li>\n<li>Do you apologize frequently?<\/li>\n<li>Do you feel secretly resentful of others when you do too much for them?<\/li>\n<li>Do you often experience guilt if others are unhappy?<\/li>\n<li>Do you go along with what others want to do even if you\u2019d rather do somethingdifferent?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If you said yes to some of the above questions, you may benefit from learning more about how this impacts your sense of well-being and happiness.<\/p>\n<p>What happens when we are too nice?<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>We start to feel like a \u201cdoormat\u201d \u2013 existing for the benefit of others.<\/li>\n<li>We attract people who are willing to take advantage of us<\/li>\n<li>We keep needing more and more outside approval and reassurance.<\/li>\n<li>We give away our power.<\/li>\n<li>We stifle our authentic self and hide our true feelings.<\/li>\n<li>We fail to be honest with others.<\/li>\n<li>We don\u2019t feel truly happy.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Why are we too nice?<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>We lack a sense of self-worth, so we desperately seek it from others.<\/li>\n<li>We also shield ourselves from criticism or rejection, as these are very painful when we do not feel that we are worthy.<\/li>\n<li>It\u2019s an ingrained part of our personality and identity.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Is this fixable?\u00a0 YES!\u00a0 It absolutely takes hard work but living authentically is incredibly rewarding.<\/p>\n<p>How do we fix it?<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Working hard in therapy to strengthen self-worth.<\/li>\n<li>Healthy introspection and self-reflection.<\/li>\n<li>Seeking to understand and resolve family of origin\/growing up issues that contributed to you feeling overly responsible or not good enough.<\/li>\n<li>Setting and enforcing healthy limits.<\/li>\n<li>Learning and practicing the art of saying NO.<\/li>\n<li>Learning to not take people\u2019s feedback too personally.<\/li>\n<li>Learning that not everyone will like you. And that is ok.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>All these things take practice, persistence, and courage.\u00a0 You will learn that people can tolerate the discomfort or disappointment of your new boundaries.\u00a0 When your self-worth becomes strong and healthy, some people in your life may miss the old agreeable and \u201ctoo nice\u201d version of you and they may push back, but if a person absolutely will not respect what you need to be happy and healthy, you may need to set very firm limits or decide not to have that person in your life anymore.<\/p>\n<p>You can become free and powerful beyond your imagination when you learn to be your authentic self.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cIf you don\u2019t have anything nice to say, don\u2019t say anything at all.\u201d\u00a0 Most of us remember learning this at some point in our childhood.\u00a0 Whether taught in early grade school years or by our parents and caregivers, being nice is often one of the first values we learn.\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong with being nice?\u00a0 Let\u2019s [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-80","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Don&#039;t Give Up - Find What Works - Ask Dr. Joy<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/dont-give-find-works\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Don&#039;t Give Up - Find What Works - Ask Dr. Joy\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cIf you don\u2019t have anything nice to say, don\u2019t say anything at all.\u201d\u00a0 Most of us remember learning this at some point in our childhood.\u00a0 Whether taught in early grade school years or by our parents and caregivers, being nice is often one of the first values we learn.\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong with being nice?\u00a0 Let\u2019s [&hellip;]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/dont-give-find-works\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Ask Dr. Joy\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/joymillertherapy\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-02-01T13:52:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/strategy-300x202.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Joy Miller\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Joy Miller\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/dont-give-find-works\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/dont-give-find-works\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Joy Miller\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/joymiller.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/23445c09bfe2bb71167146e3c41b66fe\"},\"headline\":\"Don&#8217;t Give Up &#8212; 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